Annabelle+descriptive+writing


 * MY FINAL DRAFT><v

Final**

**The Dangerous Moment ** Annabelle Lin 2B Sep 16.2009 Descriptive Writing It was on a clear sunny Wednesday. I had badminton class right after lunch; it was my favorite class during grade four. “Hey! We should hurry up; the gym is too far away from this building. We should run fast before badminton class starts.” Said Angel, my best friend during fourth grade. Angel, Wei, Sally, Tiffany and I were talking toward the gym that is about a hundred meters away from the lower school building. While we were running, an old lady came in front of us and smiled at us then she said something in a strange language that we have never heard of before but we didn't care. Then we started to talked and compare some teachers who we disliked with the teachers that we liked, but mostly we talked about classmates who we hated. While we were running an unexpected thing happened. Lily who was older than us and whom we disliked started to chase us for no reason. She was one of the bullies in our school. We began to speed up. I could see evil in her enormous rounded eyes. Suddenly she stuck her right foot out and tripped me. Since I was running near her, of course I fell. I thought I just hit the ground and got some bruises, but unfortunately, I hit right on the sharp edges of the rough stone stairs. I couldn't feel anything. There were a few seconds of complete darkness and silence that hurts my eyes and my ears. I saw people staring and some looked insane as if my blood were bursting out of my eye. I could feel no pain. Then I stood up dizzily and stared downwards. My shirt covered in blood. My shorts were covered in dust. My brand new white sneaker became bloody red color. Before the accident my shoes were pale white and clean but after the accident the color changed into a bloody red dusty color. Abruptly I started to see some stars and everything turned so bright that I couldn't see a thing. And something in my subconscious told me that I was dying. I lost my balance. Suddenly I felt somebody holding my hand and was helping me to get up off the ground. The next thing I knew was that I was sitting in the school clinic with the nurse, who was trying to stop my head from bleeding. Then I saw my mom came rushing towards me when she saw my cut on my eyebrow she was shocked opening her mouth so wide and said, “ What happened? You..your..r...eye…ey..e….browww…! Oh My! Thhheee…BONE!” it was the first time that she looked at me with that serious and shocking face expression. Then an ambulance came and a nurse came running and took me up the ambulance and told me to lie down on a bed. They were transferring me to a hospital. I unexpectedly had a forethought that this was going to be a disaster. Then the nurse started to clean my cut and after a while when we got to the emergency room which was behind the translucent curtains, a doctor was standing right next to a bed and was ready to seal my cut with a sharp u-shape needle. After I lay down, they put a white curtain on my face but showing only the place where I was cut. While they were sealing the cut I could feel the needle going through my eyebrow and I counted how many stitches there were: One…Two…Three…Four…!! But I couldn't felt any pain. During the surgery the old lady that I saw at school pop into my mind and I was trying to remember what she had said and the expression on her face. I was scared. after the surgery the doctor told my mother that I was very lucky, because if the cut was 1 centimeter longer, which is where the temple is located, I would have died the moment I hit my head. After the surgery my mother rewarded me with a drink that I loved during my childhood, It tasted sweet and surprisingly I felt something burning up my throat but the sweetness from the drink put out the flame and left the taste for a while. I was surprised. I shook my mother’s hand and told her “Mom!! The drink told me that I was being very brave during the surgery because I didn’t cry! It rewarded me with a implausible sweetness!” I was extremely happy. The next day when I got to school everyone was so worried and people were concerned about the accident. Some people were telling me what they saw and some were curious about how my cut looks like now. I could see my friends from far away running towards me and they shouted, “Ohhhhh! You are back! How was your surgery?” and I sighed softly then they said, “ The moment you fell on the ground we were so scared, we didn’t know what to do! Oh! And you know? When you stood up suddenly your blood was splashing onto our shirts! But good that you are safe.” Then Lily who got me into all this accident came and apologized for what she did but it was obvious that she wasn't sorry at all that you could see it on her face. Because of this accident my mother had to postponed the flight to The Philippines to next week. Now I have come through all the troubles, I learned that I should always be careful about what was in front and what was coming. I could still see the cut even though five years had passed. Whenever I saw the cut it always reminds me of the important things I have learned which were that I should make friends with everybody and not enemy because I do not want any more troubles and harms. This was what happened on my first surgery of my childhood.

Third Draft (peer editing)

It was on a clear Wednesday, I had badminton class right after lunch, it was my favorite class, and my friends and I were running and talking toward the gym that is about one meter away from the classroom. We talked and gossip about some teachers who we disliked, but mostly we talked about classmates who we hated. While we were running an unexpected thing happened, a girl who we disliked ran beside us and stuck her right foot out and tripped me. I was running at the very end, then of course I fell and I thought I had just it the ground and got some bruises but unfortunately, I hit right on the sharp edges of the rough stone stairs. Then I stood up unconsciously and stared downwards and saw my white shirt covered in blood and my shorts was covered by some blood and dust the worst was my shoes, before the accident it was pale white clean shoes but after the accident the color changed into a bloody red dusty color, then abruptly I started to see some stars and everything turned so bright that I couldn't see a thing. Suddenly I felt somebody holding my hand and was helping me to get up off the ground. The next thing I knew was that I was sitting in the school clinic with the nurse, who was trying to stop my head from bleeding. Then I saw my mom came rushing towards me when she saw my cut on my eyebrow she was shocked opening her mouth so wide and said, “ What happened? You..your..r...eye…ey..e….browww…! Oh My! Thhheee…BONE!” it was the first time that she looked at me with that serious face expression. Then an ambulance came and a nurse came running and brought me up the ambulance and told me to lie down on a bed. Then they started to clean my cut and after a while when we got to the emergency room a doctor was standing right next to a bed and was ready to seal my cut with a sharp u-shape needle. After I lay down they put a white curtain on my face but showing only the place where I was cut. While they were sealing the cut I could felt the needle going through my eyebrow but I couldn't felt any pain. The next day when I got to school everyone was so worried and people were concerned about the accident, some people were telling me what they saw and some were curious about how my cut looks like now. I could see my friends from far away running towards me and they shouted, “Ohhhhh! You are back! How was your surgery?” and I signed softly then they said, “ The moment you fell on the ground we were so scared, we didn’t know what to do! Oh! And you know? When you stood up suddenly your blood was splashing onto our shirts! But good that you are alright.”. Then the girls who got me into all this accident came and apologizing for what she did but it was obvious that she wasn't sorry at all that you could see it on her face. Now I have came through all the troubles I learned that I should always be careful about what was in front and what was coming. I also learned that I should make friends with everybody and not enemy because I do not want any more troubles. This was what happened on my first surgery of my ch

Identifying sentences: Simple, Compound, Complex. Orange: Vocabulary Words

The Bloodiest scene(\>O</)

Draft #2 It was on a clear sunny Wednesday. I had badminton class right after lunch. Physical Education was my favorite class during grade 4. My friends and I were running and talking toward the gym which is about one meter away from the middle school building. While we were walking an old lady came in front of us and smiled at us then she said something in a strange language that we have never heard of before but we didn't care. Then we started to talked and compare some teachers who we disliked with the teachers that we liked, but mostly we talked about classmates who we hated.

While we were running an unexpected thing happened, a girl who we disliked ran beside us and I could see evilness in her enormous rounded eyes and suddenly, she stuck her right foot out and tripped me. I was running at the very end, then of course I fell and I thought I just hit the ground and got some bruises but unfortunately, I hit right on the sharp edges of the rough stone stairs. I couldn't feel anything and there was a few seconds of complete darkness andd quiteness that hurts my eyes and my ears. I see people staring and some looked insane as if my blood were bursting out of my eye, but i could feel no pain. Then I stood up unconsciously and stared downwards and saw my white shirt covered in blood and my shorts was covered by some blood and dust, the worst was my shoes. Before the accident my shoes were pale white and clean but after the accident the color changed into a bloody red dusty color. Abruptly I started to see some stars and everything turned so bright that I couldn't see a thing. And something in my subconscious told me that I was dying.

Suddenly I felt somebody holding my hand and was helping me to get up off the ground. The next thing I knew was that I was sitting in the school clinic with the nurse, who was trying to stop my head from bleeding. Then I saw my mom came rushing towards me when she saw my cut on my eyebrow she was shocked opening her mouth so wide and said, “ What happened? You..your..r...eye…ey..e….browww…! Oh My! Thhheee…BONE!” it was the first time that she looked at me with that serious and shocking face expression.

Then an ambulance came and a nurse came running and took me up the ambulance and told me to lie down on a bed. They were transferring me to a hospital. I unexpectedly had a forethought that this was going to be a disaster. Then the nurse started to clean my cut and after a while when we got to the emergency room which was behind the translucent curtains, a doctor was standing right next to a bed and was ready to seal my cut with a sharp u-shape needle.

After I lay down, they put a white curtain on my face but showing only the place where I was cut. While they were sealing the cut I could felt the needle going through my eyebrow and i counted how many stitches were there but I couldn't felt any pain. During the surgery the old lady that I saw at school pop into my mind and I was trying to remembered what she had said and the expression on her face. I was scared. The doctor told my mother that I was very lucky, because if the cut was 1 centimeter longer which is where the temple is located and i would have died the moment i hit my head. After the surgery my mother rewarded me with a drink that i loved during my childhood, It tasted sweet and surprisingly i felt something burning up my throat but the sweetness from the drink put out the flame and left the taste for a while. I was surprisedh.

The next day when I got to school everyone was so worried and people were concerned about the accident. Some people were telling me what they saw and some were curious about how my cut looks like now. I could see my friends from far away running towards me and they shouted, “Ohhhhh! You are back! How was your surgery?” and I signed softly then they said, “ The moment you fell on the ground we were so scared, we didn’t know what to do! Oh! And you know? When you stood up suddenly your blood was splashing onto our shirts! But good that you are alright. And ”. Then the girls who got me into all this accident came and apologizing for what she did but it was obvious that she wasn't sorry at all that you could see it on her face. Because of this accident my mother had to postponed the flight to The Philippines to next week.

Now I have came through all the troubles I learned that I should always be careful about what was in front and what was coming. I could still see the cut eventhough five years had passed. Whenever I saw the cut it always reminds me of the important things I have learned from it was that I should make friends with everybody and not enemy because I do not want any more troubles and harms. This was what happened on my first surgery of my childhood.

Draft #1

Do you still remember then time of your first surgery? Well I do, and I still remember all the details about it even when and how did it happen. It was during my childhood in fourth grade. It was my first time being in the emergency room in a nearby hospital.

It was on a clear Wednesday, I had badminton class right after lunch, it was my favorite class, and my friends and I were running and talking toward the gym that is about one meter away from the classroom. We talked and gossip about some teachers who we disliked, but mostly we talked about classmates who we hated.

While we were running an unexpected thing happened, a girl who we disliked run beside us and stick her right foot out and tripped me, who was running at the very end, then of course I fell and I thought I had just it the ground and got some bruises but unfortunately, I hit right on the sharp edges of the rough stone stairs. Then I could felt my head was bleeding and my shirt was covered by blood and so was my shoes and shorts, then I started to see some stars and everything turned so bright that I couldn't see a thing.

Suddenly I felt somebody holding my hand and was helping me to get up off the ground. The next thing I knew was that I was sitting in the school clinic with the nurse, who was trying to stop my head from bleeding. Then I saw my mom came rushing towards me when she saw my cut on my eyebrow she was shocked she told me that she could see my bone through the deep cut.

Then an ambulance came and a nurse came running and brought me up the ambulance and told me to lie down on a bed. Then they started to clean my cut and after a while when we got to the emergency room a doctor was standing right next to a bed and was ready to seal my cut with a sharp u-shape needle. After I lay down they put a white curtain on my face but showing only the place where I was cut. While they were sealing the cut I could felt the needle going through my eyebrow but I couldn't felt any pain.

The next day when I got to school everyone was so worried and people were concerned about the accident, some people were telling me what they saw and some were curious about how my cut looks like now. My friends told me that my blood had splashed on their shirts and shorts but they were laughing at it. Then the girls who got me into all this accident came and apologizing for what she did but it was obvious that she wasn't sorry at all that you could see it on her face.

Now I have came through all the troubles I learned that I should always be careful about what was in front and what was coming. I also learned that I should make friends with everybody and not enemy because I do not want any more troubles. This was what happened on my first surgery of my childhood.